A Bad Feminist Seeking Horizontal Harmony

Like many women, I was born an observant creature – always curious, asking seemingly endless questions, and analyzing others’ behaviors.  More often that I would like to admit, my observations are of other women, and each time, I wonder if I am failing as a woman and as a feminist.

Over the past few months, the concept of horizontal hostility has been heavily running through my thoughts.  Probably because my intersecting identities as a Muslim woman of color have been illuminated through politics and national events, as well as social and television media.  For those who may be unaware, horizontal hostility is when members of a marginalized identity group believe and/or enforce institutional and systematic oppression (the dominant perspective).

I know how it feels to be deemed by my fellow female colleagues as intimidating, scary, and bitchy.  Each time I hear or feel those judgments, I first begin to question myself.  Should I be using more exclamation marks and smiley faces in my emails?  Did I cut someone off and not apologize?  Were my non-verbals sending the wrong message?

Then I realize that I am asking questions and showing insecurities that highlight oppressive views that I should question my actions, that I should collude my communication, that I shouldn’t take up too much space.  I immediately feel heartbroken and discouraged by our society’s ability to teach, learn, and socialize the dominant perspective.  I hate that I have a role in perpetuating and reinforcing the cycle.

Roxane Gay created excellent dialogue on this topic in her collection of essays, titled “Bad Feminist.”  She names that we rarely celebrate female portrayals in movies, music, and television; rather, we focus on what they could have done better to promote positive sexuality or professional motivations.  Why do we have right or wrong opinions on whether it is acceptable for a mother to stay home to care for her family?  Does sacrificing your career make you a less passionate woman?

Why are we as women so quick to be critical creatures?  Why is that criticism then magnified when making observations of one of our own?

Let’s take a moment to stop being the mean girl.  Remember we are only hindering our own pride by criticizing others.  Remember that by comparing ourselves to others, we are enhancing self-doubt, contradicting the ideals of feminism, and causing hurt to another.  We are not competing against one another.

Let’s take another moment to lift ourselves up and eliminate fear.  We should not have to doubt our actions or achievements.  We should feel confident, keep our eyes set on our goals, and give ourselves permission to shine.  We should share our story; we deserve the space to do so.

Let’s, instead, strive for horizontal harmony.  Let’s celebrate and value one another.  Let’s lift each other up.  Let’s stop giving ourselves and others the power to hurt us.  Let’s be each other’s great sources of strength and support.

Armina Khwaja is currently a Residence Director at Northeastern University but will transition to her new role as Resident Director at Seattle University at the end of the month. Armina can be reached on Twitter at @Armina_K.