Carrying More Than Textbooks: Navigating Grief and Growth in College

As I reflect on my academic pathway, I recognize that there are mundane and repetitive topics associated with the college experience. In my work with higher education philanthropies and educational institutions, I have read many articles about advising incoming or current students, encouraging them to attend class and office hours, perform well, fill out their FAFSA—you know the rest. Something that caught me off guard in my journey was the amount of grief I had throughout my undergraduate and graduate studies. Student grief is a topic I feel is stigmatized and overlooked, and one I have not seen discussed in higher education literature.

For many, college can be a fairly transformative period that shapes the rest of adulthood. Yet, this time can also be a stage of life when students’ loved ones get sick or pass away. In addition, many relationships come and go at this time—romantic or friendships—and grief was a revolving door none of us knew to expect. 

Sometimes, it felt like the world was passing by while I remained still and shaken. I focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, it was more than that. I would overbook my schedule intentionally so I did not have to face reality or my emotions. Newsflash, it didn’t work. I ended up stumbling through that time. I eventually went to a therapist to help process my trauma and grieve. It ultimately was my space to process emotions and heal. 

 

Finding Your New Equilibrium

While this was happening, I felt like I was falling behind compared to my classmates and friends. I soon learned that no one cares—as much as you think they do—if you withdraw, take an incomplete, retake a class, or even take time off. Many people have emergencies that need their utmost attention, which unfortunately puts school on the back burner for some time. This can make the classes extremely difficult and interwoven with stress—crippling stress to the point where opening the books could set off a panic attack. I knew some classes were not for me. That was okay. I withdrew or took a different class. I turned out fine. At graduation, I did not see most of the people I started school with as many graduated before or after me. It was not the rat race I thought it was after all. 

 

After School Is Done

This is the part of the journey most of my friends and I were not ready for. I applied to graduate school and knew where I was going. My backup plan was to continue applying for jobs and work before school if I didn’t get in. Many of my friends remained on the job market for at least a few months to a year after graduating. This is because we were more focused on graduating than we were on networking and applying for jobs. I went to graduate school where I knew what I wanted to do afterward. It gave me the space and time to network for my full-time job. 

As an aside, graduate school is not for everyone and not everyone needs it to be successful and happy in their career. Even in this stage, you navigate grief through the lens of rejection letters for employment and opportunities. In this stage, I saw the circle of life in my friends and classmates: new relationships, engagements, starting families, and even divorce. College, it turns out, is just another stage of life where grief creeps in when you least expect it. 

 

Mentoring Students 

I have been mentored by wonderful advocates in various capacities, helping me achieve my goals in my educational career. I continue to mentor students, especially those who have gone through similar circumstances because it means so much to see them succeed. Through mentoring and being mentored, I realized how much mental health impacted students. The biggest part of that pie was grief. I hated to know that. I hated knowing how much heartache there was for others, but I did not realize it has always been like this. We just aren’t taught to be prepared for it. I was able to listen, give advice where I could, and be part of their journeys and for that, I am wholeheartedly grateful. The younger generations are doing an excellent job at normalizing discussions about mental health and overall self-care. It goes beyond bubble baths and face masks, it is processing trauma while trying to balance schooling and oftentimes employment. It is finding your footing while being afraid of food, housing, job, and emotional insecurity. 

 

Compassion 

Grief taught me the tools I needed to have compassion for myself and others. When I made space for learning about it and facing it, I had more heart for others. As a student, I felt these emotions and, later on as a mentor, I saw the same in my students. We are all just people at the end of the day, searching for our meaning in this world. This article is not meant to scare people into seeking or avoiding higher education; it is purely to shed light on the parts of education that aren’t often discussed, yet we all seem to brush up against them in some form. Life will go on regardless of where we end up. If we aren’t prepared, we may go through these times of grief seemingly alone.

 

Recommendations 

After experiencing college, I would recommend that future scholars generalize a list of people and or places that could serve as a support network for emergencies and non-emergencies. This is not just your academic advisor and tutoring center. This could look like a former coach or mentor who can give you life advice. This could be a club or an organization that meets on a routine basis. This could also look like professional support for mental health guidance. In times of great need, we sometimes move straight to fight or flight without considering who or what can help us. I ended up realizing I was in others’ support network and, by being there for them, I was able to become a stronger person. 

Don’t be afraid to start new or start over. These stages are difficult but not impossible. It might feel like the world is heavy on your shoulders, but I know you have got this. You will make it on your own time.