Mother, Student, Marine Combat Veteran

Greetings!

I had to take a break from writing because of school, kids, holidays, and life. I am not fond of holidays– they are a putrid time for me, I loathe them. I can’t stand the capitalistic connotations, the selfishness, fake-ness , and being around human beings that I otherwise can’t stand being around January 1st through November 30th. I know it seems like I am a COMPLETE asshole, but I am not.

I am a Public Sociology undergrad at UNC Wilmington, a Marine Corps combat veteran, and a mother. I am also a peer educator for our campus advocacy and counseling center for interpersonal relationship violence and sexual assault. In case you hadn’t guessed, this combination is not easy to live with, the master statuses often intersect and conflict. I am having a difficult time right now because I am empowered by education, rebuilding from my pain and PTSD, yet I am in a new relationship and we just decided to have a baby. I have a 5 and a 6 year old, they are great kids. My dilemma lies within two factors: 1) I am still stuck in the Marine mentality of being pregnant– when everyone finds out, you are further an outcast that is just trying to “get out of work” by being pregnant. So, I am ashamed. 2) I start grad school in the fall and my research is going to be rigorous and I don’t know if my peers or professors will resent me.

I have to go back to the part about deciding to have a baby– we stopped trying and I had an appointment to get my tubes tied. I decided that a new baby was too much. Two days prior to that appointment, I noticed that my cycle didn’t come, took a home pregnancy test, and voila! There’s a bun in the oven. I’m not too far along, maybe 7-8 weeks.

I first thought about deferring– nope, what if I don’t want to go back? What if I am cutting myself short? Lest we forget that both of my children were born while I was on active duty. I was back to work within a week with the second baby, down to size within a month, and hiking a couple miles to the rifle range from 4am-8pm for two weeks within two months of giving birth. I am not special, women have been strong since the beginning of time, I can do this. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous though. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t call Planned Parenthood to see what my options were.

In fact, that is the biggest dilemma. I woke up this morning, feeling like everything I fought for, being free of marriage, more children, is over. I told my partner that I think I want to get a consult for a termination, he is upset, and I am not happy either. I have never had to make this decision for myself. I have two great children, and great partner, but I don’t want to be bound by traditional, monogamous rituals. I don’t know if I am a horrible person for not wanting this, with my anxiety and PTSD, plus the load of grad school I don’t know if this is wise.

I think society sees women as weak– like we need to be treated differently when pregnant. I don’t want to be perceived as the 30+ something grad student with two kids and another one on the way. I worry about societal perceptions, the same ones that I am trying to change. The system that pushes people to work, then penalizes them for having families is a shame. The same system that creates a wage gap between single fathers (they are paid more, despite having higher college drop out rates than women) and single mothers. I appreciate kind gestures if someone wants to open the door for me or carry a heavy box, but do not insult my intelligence or cut my abilities to learn because the system we live in is shit. I think we have broken institutions, lack of childcare for working/full-time students parents, and when that care is available it is subpar or not economically sound.

Did I fight for this country’s freedom? I ask myself that everyday, almost ten years of my life fighting for what? I didn’t “fight” for this. I spent almost 32 months in combat zones, I was good at my job, yet I was pushed aside due to who I slept with, or what I did on my spare time, while my male counterparts did as they pleased. I fear the unknown, grad school and post grad, I am not one to get disrespected these days, but will the fight still be the same for equality? Am I stupid for deciding to have another child? This is not freedom by the way…

Escaping my own head, my anxiety, everyday is a battlefield– I never left the battlefield. I know that other women have done this, without the resources that I have, so I can do this too. I have made up my mind to continue my education, all the way through my PhD, no matter what it takes. My future research on sexual assault in the military and how we can make change is too valuable. I just don’t know if having a baby right now is going to make things easier. It is my freedom to choose, right?

Originally posted on Essential Equality.